what i Really meaN is

i miss my banana.

what i really mean is, i miss my sister. really, i miss all of my "sisters" but i have a huge aching hole in my heart especially for savanna. where to begin, explaining my big little fake sister?

savanna was my perspective, my energy, my laughter. she was brought to us in terrible loss and heartache - her life is one they couldn't make up for a movie if they tried. her story is not mine to share so i won't but know this: at some point, she needed us. she needed some semblance of a family... while kara and i were the farthest thing you could possibly find from the typical family unit, we were ready to take on the world. we prepared a budget and moved into savanna's school district and did everything we could to prove that we, two young twenty-somethings working full time jobs and attending school, were prepared to adopt a 16 year-old girl; provide a warm home, food, and all the love and support she could handle. alas, we lost out to the married lawyer with two young sons, friend of the family (the family that very suddenly no longer existed). legally, at least.

i like to think that, at some point, i was making a difference, regardless of my lack of finances, wisdom, or true understanding. i like to think that the love i felt for savanna was reciprocated, or at the very least, well-received. i wish this simply because i hope that i was able to give savanna a piece of what she gave me. i have never met anyone else so alive, so aware, so beautiful and amazing. when i was tired and frustrated from what life was handing me, all i could ever think was, "it could be worse. it could be so much worse." and on top of providing this perspective, savanna was there to bring me back to life, make me feel alive, make me laugh.

i don't really know what happened. maybe i became overbearing or boring or old. what i know is the hurt. she started pulling away and all i felt was hurt, and all i showed was anger. how unfair of me! how stupid, childish, rude, horrible, mean of me!! after all we had been through and all the love i had for her, i had to go and act like a dumb girl.

things were never the same after that... savanna stopped coming around, we all moved around, she started dating a guy and soon moved in with him. we stopped calling. we stopped emailing. i tried so hard to follow the adage, "if you love her, let her go..." and i did. i love her and i let her go. that was three years ago. we managed to be in contact a little in 2007... had mad mex a couple of times, celebrated christmas, and then i chickened out. i didn't want to be pushy or force myself back into her life. so i let her go again, occasionally sending cards in the mail to let her know was thinking of her.

savanna moved to florida this summer, very suddenly. i was in wisconsin when i found out, stuck there on an impromptu "vacation" that had felt wrong from the beginning and now i knew why. i cried... hard and often.

rob keeps assuring me that we can go show up on her doorstep when we go visit his aunt and uncle who, by some miracle, live in the same city. i don't know if i have the balls or could handle the rejection. i guess we'll see when we get there.

all i can hope is that savanna knows how much i care for her, and always will. hopefully she knows that she can call me in ten years and i will still feel that way. hopefully someday i can have my banana back.